A Ripple of Joy

Many of us can agree that 2020 has had it’s share of junk! It has played havoc on our minds, our souls, our relationships, our lives in general! I follow Rachel Martin of Finding Joy…her words are often EXACTLY what I have been thinking! I love how she acknowledges the hard and accentuates the good! She just uses her words in such a way that changes my world often times. Look her up! Tonight…I have my own words.

This year has amped up my anxiety level. I’m often looking over my shoulder to make sure I am doing things right, that I am pleasing the next person. I second guess EVERYTHING I do…from getting too close to my preschoolers to getting out of bed! EVERYTHING! It’s SO CRAZY! This year I have had to really think about what I believe in, what hill I am going to die on (so to speak) and how my actions affect others! Talk about anxiety! UGH!

However, I want to speak of today’s events…these are events that, as I watch them unfold, I see the ripple affect in action. Today, I was a part of something bigger than me, I was a part of spreading joy, one ripple at a time! AND I LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT! Here’s a recap!

I have a dear friend who loves scavenger hunts. The stone was dropped, so to speak, and the ripple began! When the Covid quarantine hit and we were all going crazy staying at home, she came up with the idea to do a socially distant scavenger hunt of the southern part of our county! The idea was to explore the county, get out of the house and to hopefully, have a great time. She recruited myself and another friend to help and the game was on! We did the first Scavenger hunt and everyone had a blast! Families were together in a fun way, out of the house and exploring the county. And of course, it always ended at an ice cream store! The first one was so wonderful, along came the idea to do Scavenger hunt #2 in the northern part of the county! More people participated, different people participated…the ripple grew bigger! We even added another friend to the team! We each had our jobs…I did the publicity, one friend did the graphics, the other 2 did the clues. We spread joy and happiness in this world one clue at a time.

Well, I happened to notice that May 24, 2020 was National Scavenger Hunt Day! Well, if it has a national day, we MUST participate in it! So we did…Scavenger Hunt #3 was created! Again, some new teams and some of the same teams participated. We even had t-shirts made! And again…we ended at the ice cream store! We were socially distanced, safe, filling out tummies with some yummy ice cream and filling our hearts with great memories.

The summer came and went and it grew colder. Harvest wrapped up and not much had changed with the virus situation except that people are going a bit stir crazy! It hurts my heart so much to see how people tear others down over a belief. My friend thought it was time to have another hunt! It’s the time of year that people are busy and weary and frustrated with situations. Something like this could help relieve some stress! So, the Holiday Hunt (Scavenger Hunt #4) fell into place with all of it’s clues, excited teams and this time, cookies instead of ice cream!

Today after the hunt, I really listened to people, to what they had to say about the hunt. Friends, what I heard wasn’t about the hunt…I heard about laughter, discussions and even a few arguments. I heard about family members and teams coming from out of our county to do participate and create memories of fun and laughter. I heard about SO MUCH LAUGHTER today! My anxious heart needed to hear the laughter, to see the fun photos of families/teams at each stop. My anxious heart was affected by the action of one person back in April that has rippled to now! Often, people don’t know what others are going through…anxiety, loss, isolation…the list can go on. One person’s kind word or deed can CHANGE the world! YOU can change the world…one small act at a time!

I will wrap this up…it’s getting late and I am really wordy! My thoughts are this…be kind! It doesn’t have to cost anything. Smile at a person, say please and thank you, hold a door, let someone in line ahead of you, NOTICE THOSE AROUND YOU! In this masked world of staying safe…many people feel like they aren’t even noticed. It’s so easy to hide behind the mask! If you are able…pay for the person behind you or leave a little bigger tip. FRIENDS…YOU are the change in the world. Covid or not…your one small action or word affects someone else…that may affect someone else…that may affect someone else! The ripple affect at it’s finest!

Have a great night. I hope this makes some type of sense…I have so many thoughts on this!

What’s My Purpose?

So, I am in the need to write again…to get my thoughts out…to figure out what is going on in this crazy world. I feel that the world is just tanking and fast! So, I decided to hop back on here and write. Unload here, hoping that my words make sense. This is a writing that I started over a year ago. So, while the events aren’t current, the message is still the same. We haven’t had Emmaus for over a year. I miss this time to reconnect with God and fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I look forward to that time, away from the outside world to just be…in this day and age we are not able to be together! But the question still remains…What is my purpose? Why am I here? Thank goodness I have a God who continually shows me my purpose…I just have to see it and embrace it.

I suppose that this is a question that many of us wonder from time to time.  Ok, maybe all of the time!  What’s my purpose?  Why am I here?  Why did “xyz” happen to me?  These are all good questions.  These are all valid questions!

I spent last weekend at the Walk to Emmaus!  This is a 72 hour short course in Christianity that fuels the souls of the pilgrims and team EVERY TIME!  I can’t explain the feeling that I leave the weekend with!  It’s just something you have to experience on your own!  (Let me know if you want more information!)  This time when I went, I knew it was going to be a heavy weekend!  I had a lot to process from my own life & I had to be focused so that I could do God’s work.  WOW!  That’s a whole lot of things to do for 1 weekend.  I also was giving a talk.  So, let’s throw on speaking in front of a group of women about my personal story!  Do you feel the layers going on?  Yeah, I felt them all!  I also felt God’s love & grace in among all of this!  He was with me, walking with me & I knew it was going to be ok!  (And I was!)

While at Emmaus, a friend reached out to me & presented me with a new Bible.  It’s a NLT version called The Beyond Suffering Bible.  I do like the this translation, it’s easy to understand!  I was shocked that she offered me the Bible, when she asked me if I would take it, I almost said no.  However, I felt in my heart of hearts, that I should take it.  So, I did.

I went about my weekend & started Monday off by opening and turning to Ephesians 1.  Since I have been opening the Bible (only a year or 2 ago) I have always loved Ephesians.  To me, there is such hope!  Paul’s letter to Ephesus was the letter that took me from despair to hope.  It showed me that God CHOSE ME!  (I mean, who would choose me?)  Oh yes, God would and he did!  Throughout the whole book of Ephesians, I was able to find hope & love in Christ.  So, after a heavy weekend, I turned to Ephesians to calm my soul, to remind me that God loves me!

As I was reading, I stumbled upon verses 11 & 12.  They say this: “(11)Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan. (12) God’s purpose was that we Jews who were the first to trust in Christ would bring praise & glory to God.”

Back up, wait…what?  I found the answer that I had been looking for!  The question I have been asking for several years was, “What is my purpose?  Why am I here?”  I’ve looked high & low for the answer.  I’ve been trying to figure out WHY my family suffered, why we went through what we’ve been going through?  WHY??  Then, right there, in scripture that I have read before, I found my answer.  The answer is that my purpose was to bring praise & glory to God.

In this world, I find myself asking the question more frequently.  I feel weary and worn down.  I wonder if God ever feels this way?  Does he get tired and worn out..need a rest?  If you are feeling tired and weary of this world…I invite you to reach out.  I sounds cliche but you are not alone.  There are many of us who are feeling the same thing.  

Many blessings!

“I See You”

     I’ve been searching lately.  I’ve been searching for the answer to “Where has my Grandma been?”  Now, I know where my Grandma Love is, I visited her last weekend.  It’s my Grandma Clang.  She passed away July 15, 2016.  I know where she is physically but spiritually.  Where is she spiritually?  I haven’t seen or heard from her since her passing.  I mean, after my Grandpa (her husband) died, he visited me on the side of their bed the night he died.  I know, I know, you might think I’m crazy or explain it away as stress induced or whatever.  I believe it was my Grandpa sitting on the side of the bed.  He sat next to me as I was in bed with Grandma.  He came to me and asked me to help take care of Grandma, to help since he was no longer there.  I assured him I would and then, he was gone.  Grandpa had been Grandma’s care giver for many years while she was recovering from a brain aneurysm.  She took care of him while he was suffering from cancer.  The 2 made quite a pair.  He wanted to make sure that I knew that he saw me doing the hard stuff.  He saw me loving, he saw me cleaning, he saw me taking care of others and he wanted me to be there for Grandma.  I took this very seriously and did whatever I could to help Grandma.  I was blessed to spend 20 plus years taking care of her, looking after her, eating with her, making memories with her.

My struggle is that she hasn’t come to me. I mean, Grandpa came to me as real as if he was sitting right next to me.  Grandma hasn’t.  What does this mean?  Does she see me?  Does she know what’s happened over the last year and a half of my life?  I’ve often wondered what she would have said to me.  How would Grandma have loved me through the trials?   It’s been hard not seeing her.  I want to see her another time, just one more time.

Then, today, there she was.  I walked out the back of the school where I teach and there she.  I about cried, just like I’m crying know as I’m typing.  Now, she wasn’t there like Grandpa was but I saw her.  I looked down at the green plants growing and there was a bleeding heart.  My first thought was, “Oh how pretty.  Just a few bleeding hearts among the green.”  Then, I heard Grandma’s voice saying “I like these flowers.  I am here.”  My mind flashes back to Grandma’s back door where she always had a beautiful bleeding heart growing.  She would come out to talk to us and tend it, carefully.  She was always very gentle with the bleeding heart and with us.  Today, she was tending to me, carefully.

I smiled and said, “I see you Grandma.  Thank you!”  All this time I have been looking for Grandma in the way that I think I should see her.  Today, I saw her differently, beautifully.

The message that I want to say to others is that, “I see you.”  I know that in this world of social media and less face to face we often feel isolated, alone, even when there are many, many people around us.  I feel like sometimes I am not seen, that the mask I put on to cover the trials that I face make it so I am not seen.  Maybe this isn’t true for you, but it is true for me.  So, I just want others to know that you are seen.  I may not say anything but I see the hard work you put in.  I see the struggles that happen.  I see the small victories!  I see the defeat you feel when something may not go as planned.  I SEE YOU!  I believe we all need to be seen.

I wish I had some great words of wisdom or some awesome knowledge to pass on to you, the reader, my friends, but I don’t.  The only thing I can say is “I see you!”  Today, I was reminded that seeing isn’t always believing but believing is always seeing.  Thank you Grandma for showing up, for being present when I thought you weren’t.  I truly have the BEST GRANDMA EVER and my heart aches that I can’t be with her.  However, I can see her and today I did just that!

Have a blessed day!

Will This Ever Be Fixed?

My youngest & I were at the Quad Cities Festival of Praise this last weekend.  What a great night of music by the JJ Weeks band & the David Crowder band.  The crowd was rocking!  The music glorified God & the messages that were presented were uplifting.  We’ve been to this a couple of times now…always a good show!

I want to address something that was said during one of the messages by the JJ Weeks band.  The lead singer was giving a message about turning to God & how God is our healer…of disease, of broken marriages, of finances.  He went on to say other things, however, I couldn’t hear them because I was too busy being focused on how I was going to address this with my daughter.  She had heard it…”God is the healer of broken marriages.”  She turned to look at me.  She had a look of shock on her face.  She quickly looked back at the stage & never brought it up again.

I know what she was thinking though.  Oh, do I EVER know what she was thinking!  I’ve thought it myself before.  She was thinking, “Well, if God is the great healer, then he will heal this marriage, he will heal this relationship, he will heal this mental illness.”  Yup, I’m pretty sure she’s trying to figure out why God isn’t healing her parent’s marriage.  I’ve wondered that before, too, sweet girl!

I certainly don’t have an answer to give her!  I’ve prayed about our marriage, I’ve given it over to God, I’ve asked him to change our hearts.  The message I keep getting is, “You are going to be ok.  I’m here with you.”  I’ve never gotten “Well, if you just jump through this hoop & do this thing then I will heal it.”  No, I’ve always gotten, “You are going to be ok. I’m here with you.” I’ve bargained, I’ve read books, I’ve sought counseling…the answer is always, “You are going to be ok. I’m here with you.”  I’ve held it together,  I’ve lost it all.  The answer remains, “You are going to be ok. I’m here with you.” Comforting words during a time of intense pain & decision making.

Now, I’ve done it myself.  I’ve told people to “Give it to God.”, “I’ll pray for your healing.” and all of those great things our healer can do.  However, what do you do when the healing doesn’t come?  How do you handle it?  How do you deal with life when you feel like you aren’t worthy enough for God’s healing?  Well, I’ve been know to cry, get mad & not sleep.  These aren’t great options.  I’ve never felt better after I’ve gone off on a tangent or not slept much of the night.  (I have felt a little better after a good cry!)

I guess the point I’m trying to get at is that God IS the great healer.  This I know!  However, sometimes, His healing doesn’t come in the form of fixing the problem, the disease or the finances.  Sometimes, it comes in the form of moving forward, of going through the pain & the hard stuff.  We have to truly listen to God & seek His will for the problem to be fixed!  I mean, my plan was for my Grandmother to live forever, my marriage to be healed & the mental health issues in my family to go away!  That’s how I would have fixed all of this!  However, in the end, my Grandmother passed away & is now living pain free, burden free with her husband.  She is healed!   My marriage, that I took the vows for, that I put forth the effort to change & be changed is ending in divorce & the mental health issues still rear their ugly head. Did I want this fixed a different way?  YES I DID!  That was not in God’s plan.  I sought out God’s will, sought counsel & prayed a whole bunch.  The message I kept hearing was, “You are going to be ok. I’m here with you!”  And He has been here with me every step of the way.  From the early stages of the mental health diagnosis, to fighting for my daughter & family, to making the choice to walk away & be safe.  God has been in every decision, every person that has walked with me & in every prayer!  Yes, God is here with me, even in the midst of the valley.  And, He will be with me on the mountain top too.  (I will get there someday!)

I feel like this has been a long post only to say, God’s will be done, not mine!  Even if I think things should be done a certain way, God’s will is what I am seeking.

To my sweet girl who gave me “the look”…I know you don’t understand this.  Neither do I.  However, when we continue to seek God’s will & wisdom, we will be healed.  I’m not sure what that looks like, but God is our great healer!  He will make us whole again!

“For I know the plans I have for you…” Jeremiah 29:11

 

Sometimes, you have to put these things out for others so that they can speak to your soul.  I haven’t written in awhile because I have been, well, dealing with stuff.  I have been focused on getting out of bed each day, trying to see the good in the day, being thankful for what God has provided for me & my family.  I have been hoping & praying each day that functioning gets easier, that this mess moves on, moves out of our lives & by golly, it had better be quick!  (I’m not a patient person by any stretch of the imagination!  It’s just not who I am!)  But, I find myself stuck.  I’m stuck in the mess that I call life, my life.  I cry, I get angry, I justify, I fill my time but in all of this, I have felt very distant from God.  Oh sure, my village of people that I am blessed to have in my life have pointed me to God, I have even pointed my daughter to God…all for me to try to do this new life on my own.  I have gone to the cross & talked with God, bargained with Him, asked for forgiveness & put my burdens down at the cross…only to pick them up before I even say AMEN!  It’s what I do…

So, I share with you tonight the love of Christ…so it can speak to my soul.  I share with you tonight the Survivor’s creed…so it can speak to my soul.  I share with you scripture…so it can speak to my soul.  So my heart can see it, read it again and again & tell others about it and then…hopefully start healing.

Let me be honest…I don’t have any answers!  None, zero, nada!  NO ANSWERS to why I am where I am, when I will become unstuck or how I will become unstuck.  What I do know is that when I am true to myself & turn to God, when I remember that God has sought me out, He has chosen ME even before he made the world…when I remember these truths, I am better.  I am still stuck, but better.  These are the truths that I must remember through the tears, through the heartache, through the questions, through the weary nights.  When I look back at where I have been to where I am…I see growth, I see a new person in Christ. No, I’m not perfect, I’m still stuck & can be angry & resentful & full of pain…yes, I am human.  But, in Christ, I am new again.  I know that, no matter what happens, I am a child of the One True King and that I will survive this mess that is my life.

I saw this Survivor’s Creed by Max Lucado on a Bible Study I was watching.  It was like a breath of fresh air to see this, to see the words in writing.  It was calming.  So, I am sharing.  I am sharing so that, no matter what, if you are going through “stuff”, you have some reassurance, something in front of you to remind you of who you are and whose you are!  And yes, I am sharing this for me, for my soul too!

“Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and with out fault in his eyes.” Ephesians 1: 4

“This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person.  The old life is gone; a new life has begun.” 2 Corhinthians 5: 17

“That is why we never give up.  Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.  For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long.  Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!  So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.”               2 Corinthians 4: 16-18

For The Bible Tells Me So

I Remember Now…Chapter 2

So, after recovering from the miscarriage & counting my blessings, I picked up & started again with the infertility treatments.  The appointments, the daily shots, the frustration of it all…I was over-whelmed.  I kept going.  I remembered the sign that God had sent, my body could actually get pregnant.  This was huge!  1999 was the magic year for me…the year I became PREGNANT!  During the infertility treatments, there was a chance that I could have had triplets.  The ultra sound confirmed that there was one baby.  (I’ll admit, 3 seemed like a big job!)  One beautiful baby that was due mid January.  The excitement grew with each appointment, each time I heard the heartbeat of this being, I remembered God’s sign.  I remember attending Lamaze classes with my husband, planning on having a natural birth, no drugs!  Then, came the news that the baby was breech.  Dang that kiddo, she was upside down!  We waited & prayed & waited & prayed…the baby didn’t turn.  The options were pretty simple; turn the baby manually or  schedule a c-section.  Since I had worked with a woman who lost her baby after he was manually turned, I refused that option.  I had gone through a lot to get to this point…I wasn’t willing to risk losing the baby now! So, I was on weekly appointments & we talked about when to schedule that c-section.

They wouldn’t do a c-section before 39 weeks unless I had “other things” going on.  Basically, if I was having problems or signs of labor, they would just take the baby.  I remember the winter being fairly mild that December.  I remember walking around town trying to get this labor thing going on December 30th & 31st.  I was going to have this baby on New Year’s & have her be the first baby of the New Year!  No such luck…The baby wasn’t coming, backwards or forwards…the baby wasn’t coming!

I went to the doctor for my weekly appointment on Monday, January 3rd.  They did all of the appropriate checking & asked a lot of leading questions but there was nothing.  I wasn’t effaced, I wasn’t having contractions, the baby was fine…I begged, “Can’t you just do the c-section?”  I asked several times…but the answer was always “No, not before 39 weeks, unless you are having troubles.”  Well, no troubles, so no baby.  The advice, “Drink lots of water & keep walking & come back on Thursday & we’ll schedule you for sometime next week!”  So, I was on my way.  I woke up the next morning with strange pains.  Being a first time Mom, I wasn’t sure what contractions felt like.  I put up with them all day & at one point, when they became bad, I called to the doctor’s office & wondered if I should come in.  The response, “No, you’re a first time mom, you have time.”  I would explain that this little gem was breech.”  That didn’t seem to sway any decisions.  So, I took their advice, took some Tylenol & kept on working & walking.  My Grandma even took pictures of me being sworn into the Crawfordsville City Council during the contractions.  Wednesday, I got up & went to work with the contractions less than 5 minutes apart.  Again, I called up to the office, again I was meant with resistance.  So, I kept on working between contractions.  My secretary at the time, took me out to lunch.  I remember having trouble while standing at the buffet line at the Peking Buffet.  I was breathing, I was struggling.  She wanted to take me in but I refused.  We finally got through the buffet line & I took one bite of the food & thought I was going to lose it.  After more urging, I called to the office & they suggested I come in.  We paid (I may still owe her for that) and went to the U of Iowa OB floor.  Heather got me checked in & the doctor came in & checked me & basically said that since I had waited so long, this was now an emergency c-section.  I had been talking to my husband all along & this time, when I called him, I told him that this was now an emergency.  He had to stop & get gas in his truck…the doctor said they couldn’t wait or the baby would be in trouble.  So, Heather got to witness the birth of my first-born.  My husband missed it by about 15 minutes.  Soon, my oldest child was born, a beautiful baby girl.

She was beautiful, stunning & I had more love for that girl that I knew what to do with!  Ohhhh, I loved her beyond words.  I knew that as much as I loved her, God loved her more.  I knew that she was mine on earth & His in Heaven.

I remember thinking (& eventually verbalizing) “God, if something should happen to this beautiful bundle, please help me remember that she is yours not mine.  Please help me through that time. I don’t think I would be able to move on.  But God, no matter what, I know you love her & she is yours.”

I’ll be honest, this thought scared me but I knew the truth then & I know the truth now!  This girl is a gift from God.  She is God’s gift to me, to raise & cherish for her time on earth.  I knew that then & I’m remembering it now!  Now, I’ll have to admit, the “something should happen” part was referring to death.  I was trying to remind myself then that if she should die I needed to lean into God & rely on HIM, I could not do it alone!  I never thought of something else happening to this girl.  God also gave me a Bible verse for this little darling, one that I think of when I think of her.  One could call it a life verse, I guess.  This verse reminds me that He is in control, that He has a plan.  Yes, this verse helps me remember…I remember the birth of my daughter, that He is control & that no matter what, HE IS GOOD!  So, I continue to look for Him! Yes, I remember…

Jeremiah 29:11–“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “They are plans for good & not for disaster, to give you future & hope.” NLT

 

 

I Remember Now…Chapter 1

It’s interesting to see how God makes provisions in our lives, how He set all of this crazy life of mine in motion.  I didn’t know it then but looking back, I can see it.  I can see how God has been with me & working in my life & making the hard parts of this crazy life a little easier.  I didn’t see it but I remember now…

This all started 19 years ago with a miscarriage.  I had been sick, violently sick.  I finally went to see Dr. P to figure out why I was throwing up ALL THE TIME & for such a long time. Oh, I had other symptoms, I won’t bore you with the details.  Seeing how I never went to the doctor unless I was dying, Dr. P. was a bit worried.  She ran a variety of tests & sent me on my way.  A day or so later, I returned to work & since I was feeling better, I didn’t think anymore about my “illness.”  I remember the day vividly.  I was working for our local CAP agency in the old Chambers office, the one that burned in a fire.  I was in the office without windows, it was kind of drab but I tried to make it as chipper as I could as I was helped the victims of the tornado of 1998.  Dr. P. called me at work & asked if I was sitting down.  Now, usually when a doctor asks you this question, something is REALLY WRONG.  I sat down & I was ready for the bad news.  I remember her telling me the news, “The reason you have been so sick is because you have had a miscarriage.”  I remember her talking after that but I certainly don’t remember all of the words.  There was something about “There is a reason the baby didn’t make it.” and “This is your body’s way of taking care of itself.”  There was probably more.  What I was doing on the other end was smiling…I couldn’t believe it.  I HAD A MISCARRIAGE!  To me, this was good news.  To me, this meant hope!  To me, this was a miracle that I had just DARED God to show me & HE DID!

You see, my dream had always been to be a Mom.  Since I was little girl I would dream of becoming a Mom.  I would dream about how I would do things when I was a Mom, how I would love my children & go to all of their games & activities.  I would be present but not too present in their lives.  I would love them but not spoil them.  I would be crafty with them & be the Mom that made all of their valentines & teacher’s gifts.  Yes, I would be THAT Mom!  My dreams came to a crashing halt when after my husband & I got married, we figured out that having a baby just wasn’t as easy as one would think.  We did the usually trying to have a baby, then, when that didn’t work…we tried more “non-traditional” methods.  This involved me visiting the infertility specialist a lot & figuring out just what the problem was.

I remember…I remember, specifically, the one day.  It was cold, we had been to the specialist several times but no luck on getting pregnant.  I was on medicine, taking shots, & still no baby.  I was frustrated & mad.  I was hurt that God would put this dream in my heart & then not grant it.  After stopping in the middle of a cycle because my ovaries were growing too big too fast, I sat in the parking lot alone.  I cried my eyes out, I screamed at God for “His plan”, I tried bargaining with God.  You know, I’ll be good & do everything you want me to do if you just give me what I want.  I cried out to God, begging & pleading for a baby.  Then, I dried my tears & I said, “I’m done.  I’m done with this baby thing.  If you want me to have a baby, you are going to have to do something…give me a sign that I should keep going.  Give me a sign that sometime I will have a baby.  You are God, YOU can do this.  I just need a sign.”  Yes, I remember…I remember that conversation with God.   That was the end of the “baby thing” for me.  I was done, out, I wasn’t doing anymore of anything a doctor wanted me to do.  I WAS DONE!  The rest was up to God.

I surrounded myself with people who were fellow Christians, believers, brothers & sisters in Christ!  I attended Church, I talked of my struggles, I prayed that God would help my heart heal.  Then, the phone call came.  The one that took me back to that parking lot, by myself, alone, crying out to God.  I all but dared him to work a miracle, to give me hope, send me a sign…and then, I walked away from “it”.   I laid it down at the feet of Jesus & walked away.  Oh yes, I thought about having a baby but I never dreamed of having one again.  It wasn’t in “the plan.”  Then, God, who is every so present, heard my cry.  I didn’t realize it, but He did!

I got off the phone with Dr. P. & immediately called my mother & told her the “good news”.  (I waited to tell my husband until I got home.  You know, Mom can handle it!)  I was beside myself…God had sent me a sign.  He had heard my cry.  I was sad that I wasn’t going to get to hold my sweet baby but I know that someday, in Heaven, I will be greeted by my Grandma Stimson, Grandma & Grandpa Clang, Grandpa Love & a sweet baby.  I’m sure I will know he or she right away.  I’m sure that the sweet baby that I never got to hold is watching over us right now. Yes, I know that I am part of the statistics now.  I’m part of the 22% to 75% of women who have miscarriages before 4 weeks gestation, usually before a doctor’s appointment.  I’m pretty sure Dr. P. thought I had lost my mind that day.  (There may have been days since then that she’s thought that too, who knows?  She’s too polite to tell me if she did think that!)  But, I remember telling her & then continuing to know that God had given me the hope I had needed.  The miracle that I had asked for, the rope that I needed to hang onto to keep moving forward.  I just didn’t realize the vastness of this little miracle.

Little did I know that all of this that I have tucked away in my mind would come rushing back to me in 2017, when I feel like my world is falling apart around me.  Oh yes, I knew that God was with me but I’m not sure I believed it.  Things are changing friends…yes, things are changing.

2 Samuel 22:7–“But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I cried to my God for help.  He heard me from his sanctuary, my cry reached his ears.” NLT

It’s That Kind of Day

Today is a new day, a blue shirt kind of day, a day for glitter, a day to count my blessings, the gifts I have been given. It is also the 100th day of school.  What 100 things do you put on your shirt when you find out about this the day before??? Why, glitter of course!  Here’s to being broken & blessed, to seeing gifts in the mess.   Prayng for better days.  God bless, friends.  

On this icy morning, where Audrey doesn’t have school & I can go in later, I read today’s Jesus Calling 365 Devotional For Kids with my her.  It’s entitled, “Don’t rehearse Your Problems”.  It talks about days being hard, it talks about playing your problems over & over again instead of only living through them once, like we were designed to.  It tells us to turn to God & let him guide us through & give us the strength & courage that we will need when we face the challenges. Oh, did I need to hear this.  Now, I have the adult version of Jesus Calling but sometimes it’s nice to have it given to me in very simple terms.

Then, I take the time to open the book by Ann Voskamp, The Broken Way.  I’m reading this book slowly, soaking in every word.  My book is underlined and marked up.  I’m about half way through & I can’t wait to read it again.  This book has stirred my soul like none other I have read in my life.  If you haven’t heard about it, here is your PSA.  If you have heard about it but don’t have it, I would strongly suggest you go & find a copy!  Get your own copy, that way you can underline & mark up those thoughts that stir your soul!

I’ve only read 2 pages today but I can’t get past those 2 pages.  I’ve underlined & thought & re-read those 2 pages.  That’s when I decided to write about them.  Maybe then, I can move on with my day.  Maybe I can understand my feelings, my situation, myself & go about my day.  I don’t know.

My heart has been aching as of late, my world shattered a bit, crumbling around me.  I feel like I’m in an alternate universe where the things I thought I knew, I don’t.  The people I thought I could trust, that’s iffy.  The life I knew is no more.  I’m trying to find my “new normal”, whatever that is.  I feel like my life is one of those slow-moving movies on 2 reels, it moves but yet, it doesn’t.  I have control, but I don’t.  I listen to those around me, they offer advice but I don’t know how to take the advice.  Is it be offered as judgement like, “If you would just do this, like I know best, then things would be different.” or is it offered out of love?  They offer help but I don’t know what they can do to help.  I find myself analyzing every conversation I have with people.  Are they judging me?  Do they know?  What do they know?  Look, they have stressors in their life & they are all smiles & fine.  Why can’t I get out of the chair & take down the Christmas tree yet?  Yes, my heart is hurting. I know that I’m not the only one going through this type of situation right now, we all have areas in our life where our hearts hurt a lot & we just don’t know what is next or how much more we can stand.  If you are “there” or any part of “there”, my heart feels for you.  I am sorry that you are battling your battles. Please know you are not alone, there are many of us going through “stuff” and we are doing the best we can.

These 2 pages of Ann’s book that have stirred me so deeply today speak of making my identity in Christ.  Page 184–“When you’re most wounded by the world–run to the only Word that brings healing.  And His Word makes it clear: at the core of every one of our issues is this attempt to construct our identity on something else besides Christ.”  “You are most who you are meant to be when no wind in the world can stop you from being grounded transparently in God.  You are truest self when you live with your heart as glass to God.”  Page 185–“When your identity is in the Rock, your identity is rock-solid.”  “You are brave enough for today, because He is.  You are strong enough for what’s coming, because He is. And you are enough for all that is, because He always is.”

These words from God through Ann were what I needed to hear today as I continue to fight my battle, my families battle.  I know that I am chosen by God for greater things.  I know that my strength to get through everything I’ve been through in my life, has not been MY strength, but it has come from God.  I’m not strong enough to do this life alone.

Joshua 1:5,9–“No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life.  As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you…Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

 

Adulting is hard — sonyalovesmith

I’m reading a book by Ann Voskamp entitled “The Broken Way”. On page 167 it says, “Be brave and do not pray for the hard things to go away, but pray for a bravery that’s bigger than the hard thing.” That’s a HARD thing to pray for! I’m not that brave…What if…I mess it up? […]

via Adulting is hard — sonyalovesmith